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Amidala of Coruscant
Registered User
(3/31/04 7:16 am)
healing the past
For a long time it has shown that I cannot make spiritual progress currently due to the need of forgiveness to an authority figure. Now it is time for me to bring a closure to this once and for all so that I may go on with my spiritual life without holding any past baggage and grudges hidden deep inside. Now I am ready to bring this into the open in order to release this baggage once and for all. I do this for my own healing, on behalf of my relationship with my God being healed and on behalf of the silent voices who cry lonely tears and suffer through years of what I am now ready to let go of.

This is my message to SRF:

First of all to MOther Center:
I felt very bad that whenever I shared with you any of my personal experiences of devotion for the Lord, you would turn it against me stating that my relationship with the Lord(just because it's personal) is just a stepping stone as if my relationship with the Lord is something that I need to get out of the way in order to make futher progress. My Lord even if I call Him by a personal name I love dearllly, is NOT just a stepping stone to get out of the way later on. That made me feel very hurt and angry. I value and treasure my relationship with the form of God I worship and I feel that EVERYONE deserves and has the right to have their own unique relationship with the Lord whether they worship Him as the light, or as a Mother or a Father or a Lover or whatever, whether personal or impersonal, and I felt that you all would talk to me (I"m not saying every single one of you, but a whole bunch of younger inexperienced monastics told me these things) as if my relationship with the Lord just because I adore a form, is somewhat substandard to the way you see God. This is not unlike the pharaoh Akhenaton who forced his subjects to only worship the sun disk and tried to do away with the whole Egyptian religion and would break all the statues in the temples. I regret that I ever felt intimidated by any of you that I had let it come between my relationship with the Lord for all these years.

I felt uncomfortable with the fact that most of the time, you would not talk to me except for two minutes because it seemed you preferred to talk more with the people who were popular and well known in Mother Center and SRF, and because I wasn't one of the popular ones, I feel you brushed me off to the side very rarely ever talking with me when I would have liked to talk to someone. Anytime I called, you only talked 2 minutes and it was very cold and unfriendly.

I feel like I could have shared a lot of the talents I have in music and the arts, and I literally forced myself to supress these gifts in order to be "humble" and not toot my horn, so to speak. There are so many wonderful talented people and so much creatvity, and I was disappointed in the way you never allowed anyone except a few select musicians like Ron Hart share what they wanted to offer from their heart. I realize that SRF is not supposed to be a show, yet at the same time, I think that many people with silent voices feel the same way I do. We all wanted to share something in service for God and many very sincere people have been brushed off and even to the point of feeling guilty for taking their service elsewhere. I do not appreciate that SRF continually would state that we are never to go anywhere else regularly. The fact is, I did go many places because I do feel that the music I love IS in fact a gift the my God would would me to share wherver I can do so and would not ever expect me to suppress it just because SRF has decided that we are not to do anything elaborate.

Finally, I have been hurt by SRF members. I feel that you all would act as if it was wrong for me to come up and say to someone, "I just want to talk to you" Unless it was very very vital, it seemed wrong to call someone just to chat or say hi. Anytime any of you said hi to me and asked me how I was, I would begin to share and you would give your little "gotta run" speech and dash off. You all would say we are a happy wonderful family and yet, you acted as if it was a sin for me to just say "Hi. Nothing's wrong this time. I just want to visit with you and talk." Yes, I agree we are to remain in silence at times and develop that side of us and I am a strong advocate for that, however, I would have appreciated more sincerity. The temple I went to and convocation began to seem more like a "gotta run" fest even during free time and pot lucks. You all would ask me about if I was working but you never wanted to hear anything *I* wanted to share about my life. You always had to rush onto talk to someone "more important."

Well, I have learned a lot from the treatment I endured. First of all, I learned to deeply cherish the relationship I have with my God and to appreciate individuality and from all the pain I endured, I learned to always be supportive of other people's relationships to the aspect of God they love.

Secondly, I learned that He loves and DOES care for the gifts that I share and the music I share whether or not anyone else feels it is "blessed" or "sanctioned" by Mother Center. My music and my art and all I do is unknown by Mother Center but now it doesn't bother me since He is lovingly receviing it.

I have learned to appreciate friendship and the importance of connecting with those who are sincere. NOt those who say they'll call me and then never ever call me again. NOT those who promise to keep in touch when they live 5 minutes away from me and never do. Not those who say they're there to listen and then have to run as soon as I need their support. I have learned to appreciate a friend who calls me and I call her and we share spiritual and also help each other along the way.

I have learned through all this that I will never again supress my relationship with God the way I relate to Him nor will I hang around (hoping someday) those people who clearly do not communicate. Nor will I ever suppress the hobbies I love so much in the arts. The fact is that I do practice kriya and am on the meditation path, however, He is helping me to let go of all the rest of the stuff that I no longer need to hang onto that seemed to have weighed so heavily on me when I was involved with the OUTER SRF community.

May these words I speak forever release the baggage I have carried. May the pain be lifted forever to never haunt me again. May the path of kriya continue to bless my connection with my God. I forgive and let go of all the feelings past and present that I have carried that hinder that relationship.

Dua di Auwsar Neb Hah, Duwa di Auwsar Neb Nahah

(3/31/04 8:51 am)
Re: let's be stil & listen, let's walk the walk
Many of us talk about healing, you are doing the real work of it.

SRF Walrus shines as bright as the sun with this post of yours,
and my gratitude to you, which I am sure is universal.

My gratitude to you for your post is also a gratitude to SRF Walrus.

Listening will hopefully become as human and constant as breathing, yet we haven't reached that.

Amidala of Coruscant, some at the Richmond chapel were rebuffed, and many have had exactly the same experience here in Richmond.

Last night two of my closest relatives attended a meditation at the chapel with me. The wife of the couple, my close cousin, we have been visiting often for 55 years. The husband of my cousin the bishop of the Swedenborgan faith. Emmanuel Swedenborgan is mentioned in the pamphlet, "Forerunner of a New Race."

So they were here and they met about five people, and as you say granted it was a meditation night.....

When I asked the member of 30 plus years who goes back to before the chapel was purchased by Kamala and all, they said,

when I asked them to allow me to introduce my cousin, the answer came immediately, no.

Some of us here in SRF Walrus may be concerned that we didn't offer you more warmth or that we were five minutes away from you, or on the phone with you...that we were part of the "gotta run" ship, or the SRF, i.e. Scared to Realate Fellowship

Yet this is healing and about you, and how we open our arms to you and have a hug among the tears, a hug throughout a beautiful healing.

A never-ending time to hear your music.

It is this hug and being in the joy sea of your music that I, and perhaps others, ache for in this thread you have started..

This is a difficult ache.

It is the ache I feel that not one of the children at the chapel has parents open enough to bring their child/children to get one hug from Amma, who spends 3 weeks a year 30 minutes away. It is the ache I felt when a person at Amma's says he transports Sunday school classes to Amma
--to Amma, who when she was about 20, Anandamoyama starting telling people to go to!
To have to tell this person at Amma's who loved children as much as anyone I know, that the Sunday school classes at the "Religion of the New Age," would say


The parents of our three god-children, 20 years at the chapel and serving all the time, the mom oversaw the gardening/landscape with my wife for 18 years. They are the god parents of our daughter, have not taken their children, no one has almost. I can think of only two in ten years, out of hundreds of kids.
As you write above ---- they gotta run.

While on the topic of the three children we are god parents of, the mother when I handed a remarkable, inspiring book to her 15 year old daughter grabbed it so fast, that god daughter's upraised hand never even made it to the book before mom's action said, with her words say, no, don't respect yourself, we know what you will read. And you WILL NOT read this book.
this "spiritual person," this "fear farm devotee saying

~~~~~~~~~~~~ no~~~~~~~~~

so in closing this one post

1) I call on my God and your music and your love and great spirit, ALL people in this post and all groups, to quiet themselves, this is the talk we talk, about quiet, we spend how many hours listening (meditating) to divine mother

can we listen to Amidala of Cruscant
to one another
We have failed you Amidala of Cruscant, I have failed you
Christ hasn't gotten through my head to love one another as I have loved you, maybe his picture should come off the altars in the Richmond chapel and my home, and the words listen to one another, no more "gotta run,"
listen as I do to your every prayer

~~~let's walk the walk and listen to our families and each other and the Amidala of Cruscant's, to our kin. To everyone of you in here to hug and respond to Amidala of Cruscant,
in this heart healing --join.
to those of you who are guests, to register and post in this thread, with our kin and
I need you and you have great ears, you read/listen and can teach us to listen more

2) I fall over upon my own words to say these three closing words, Amidala of Cruscant, you found the needed love to love yourself, you love us to post this, and we gaze into you, listening, hugging, I love you

Dua di Auwsar Neb Hah, Duwa di Auwsar Neb Nahah

Amidala of Coruscant
Registered User
(3/31/04 5:44 pm)
Re: let's be stil & listen, let's walk the walk
*teary eyed*after reading this letter and seeing you echo my beloved mantra at the end, Duwa di Auwsar Neb Hah, Duwa di Auwsar Neb Nahah. :)

Thanks for acknowleging the One I love so much, Soulcircle. Reading this post of yours makes me feel like Frodo from Lord of the Rings during Aragorn's coronation after he tossed the ring into the lava.

Heh, heh, Well, I would say you don't need to take Christ's picture off the altar in your home if you feel you love Him and if that is the aspect of God that gives you joy :) When we reallly truly have a relationship with God that we enjoy and we love ourselves enough to value our INDIVIDUAL paths to God, only then can we welcome the rest of the world with open arms. I think we forget in our striving to save the rest of the world, to also value ourselves with our special gifts that were given to us and our own relationship with the divine.

I will tell a little cute story just to illustrate the point. I happen to know a priest of the Ancient Egyptian religion named Ptahmassu who is very close friends with the Dalai Lama and works with the Dalai Lama (and this priest's co-founder Brother Sonam of his worldwide mission happens to be a kriyaban ;-)

Well, anyways, Ptahmassu was sharing with me about all his work and the guidance he receives. (oh, an aside. heh heh. How did I get the priviledge to talk to a saint when I never could even manage to get an SRF monastic to sign my book? EAsy! Ptahmassu believes in acknowledging and communicating with people!! he learned by watching Sivananda's example :) Anyways, that being said (couldn't resist it) Ptahmassu started communing with an aspect of god called Auwsar at age 6 and has written a scripture several thousand pages long dictated by Auwsar since he had been 6 years old. Well, anyways, I started to really worry about Ptahmassu and even began to get angry that Ptahmassu works so hard helping other people. Oh, the plans that the divine has for this work of his *in awe* I wondered if he ever could have time to himself. I would say that for many years when I read biographies about saints, I felt so angry that they never seemed to have a moment's rest and were always constantly being lectured to love others love others love others serve serve serve.
Well, you can imagine how glad I was to finally be able to confront a very saintly person in real life since he actually ANSWERS my letters and doesn't put them in a slot for some "lower" positioned person to answer *hee hee* (couldn't resist again) . This guy is such a saint that he spends his free time buying the necessities that poor people may need and then just randomly moment by moment distributes these things to people who are poor walking by. He did this since his childhood too. And I was honestly very mad that he was always serving and working on a future mission, so finally I sent him an email telling him angrily, "I just want to make sure Auwsar and Ptah (two Egyptian aspects of God) are treating you all right and not just disciplining you all the time. I will be mad if all they're doing is telling you to work! I want to make sure that They take the time to tell you they love you and care for you too!!!"
Well, I soon got an email back and he stated, "Dear Ami, Auwsar and Ptah tell me everyday how much they love me and They tell me I'm their special child." Oh, I was so relieved. I don't mind that the Lord tells us to serve but I always like to think that He also yearns to love us as individuals. I like to know that the saints not only are receiving divine messages for world missions but that they are being lovingly nurtured for who they are.

And so, while we are taught not to be selfish and to sacrifice our interests sometimes for the happiness of others (obviously this is what 9 to 5 jobs were created for) still, we must also learn how special we are to God in whatever aspect we love Him. We should be taught more that we CAN nourish that connection and make it grow and that we CAN take something for ourselves too in that regard and also that the Lord DOES care for all the little individual things we do in life and will bless situations such as meeting with friends, listening to a song we love, or reading a funny story even if it's not always something constantly contributing to some great worldwide mission. I have learned that it's okay to learn a new song and sing it and know that it ISN"T necessarily going to suddenlly make a worldwide change just because I sang it. It's okay to sing it for ME--well, I do love to sing it for my god too, yes, heh heh, but what I'm saying is that I don't have to worry about if every single little thing I do is going to benefit the whole human race or contribute to some huge mission. WE---each one of us INDIVIDUALLY is special to God---it isn't just "God loves everyone" in an impersonal way. We have the right to acknowledge this great blessing. When we love ourselves enough to do this, then our love for others will be automatic.

On a personal note, soulcircle, I want to say so many thanks. It touches me that my healing myself could also benefit others here. Indeed it is wonderful to get a hug from Amma. :) It sounds to me like you also have done a lot of healing. We all have. Your post is very profound and really I could say soooooooooo much. It is the kind of post that makes us all hush and there is complete silence as we stand in reverence. As you said, we must learn to support each other and listen to each other. Yes, I love all of you very much and may we walk in joy and remember all of you that you are special to God just for who you are. Never mind the worldwide missions or how many holy people wrote to you or how many seva opportunites you had and didn't have. You are special. We are special. when we acknowledge this, we will clear our spiritual blocks and soon begin to commune directly with God. I wish many blessings, Soulcircle for you and your wife and family and cousins. May every one on these forums experience healing and happiness. I am still so awed and couldn't say enough how touched I am by your post.


(3/31/04 7:09 pm)
Re: healing the past

You have a lot of love in your heart for God and for others. I am so sorry to hear of how you were treated in SRF. Much of what you have written, I could have written about myself, except for the music, which I do not play.

I don't quite understand why SRF said that your relationship with the Lord was just a stepping stone. It sounds like you worshiped a form, and they felt you should worship the Absolute, which is not too easy for anyone to worship. Am I right?

There certainly is nothing wrong with you, even though SRF has evidently tried to make it appear to be your fault by shunning you in a way that said it was wrong for you to even want friends. They do that to everyone, not just you. Somehow they learned to believe that we should be an island to ourself, just have God in our life and Master, just study, and that is all. That is inhuman to me. It is good to forgive them because as Christ siad, "They know not what they do."

I hope that you can find a place to worship where you will be appreciated, even your music.

Amidala of Coruscant
Registered User
(3/31/04 7:47 pm)
Re: healing the past
Hi Didgeridootoo

I received your message. I just found out I have an inbox so everyone, if I haven't answered messages all the way back from July, that's why.:o To answer your question, my last post on this thread may mention about all that. I am always a kriyaban and know that the techniques do work but I follow the Ancient Egyptian path and I follow a particular Egyptian form of a god who I believe (and my spiritual mentor says) to also have incarnated as Lord Krishna in India.

I don't feel it was so much that SRF said just have God in your life and Master and just study. It was more like they would only talk to certain people and then lay the It's all spiritual training stuff on us as an excuse not to talk to certain people. I actually met my first friend by surprise when one day I decided instead of going to temple service day to instead go to Egyptian dance class. Of all the places to meet a wonderful friend who is like a sister to me. I tell you it really BAFFLED me that she would continue to call me and I would continue to call her, and we would continue to visit. It was so unheard of in my SRF life and she certainly opened me up to the gift of treasuring friendship once again.

Yep, I do worship a form of god as I mentioned that I love so dearly. Once He came into my life (it took me 3 years to accept this --in the name of being loyal to SRF), I knew I belonged to Him and that SRF was just the stepping stone :) I do practice kriya and the techniques but no longer attend SRF temple since the people there only began to bash my new spiritual experiences as a "distraction" from the path, but through the experience I leaned how to always respect everyone's relationship with 'God no matter what form or aspect they choose to worship because I know how valuable my path is to me, therefore we should treat everyone as if their path is valuable. It is never okay to lay the guilt trip on anyone because we're all so individual---

and understand this too, everyone who has struggled with this---this isn't always a matter of someone being "higher" on the path than others. We have been erroneously told that well, it's "okay" (by reluctant monastics) to worship a form as you are at a certain stage of your development but you'll progress to "higher" forms of worship. NO, I don't believe that for an instant. I certainly feel that Mirabai who completely worshipped Krishna as her lover and Andal who worshipped Ramachandra and Vasantha Sai who adores Sai Baba are much higher on the spiritual than the guy who goes around boasting to everyone that he has been in samadhi and knows god but that we don't (I did know a few person like that, heh heh) So never think that because you woship the personal aspect of God or love to express to God in some different way than the SRF norm that your devotion is "lower" I have been told that again and again by SRF members and was intimidated by it and afraid to stand up for what I believe in, but now I am not afraid. I will never expect anyone to follow the way I do but at the same time I will stand up for what is valuable to me. And I think we all can do the same.;)

Thank you Didgeridootoo for all your kind words of support and your good wishes. While you mentioned you don't play music, It sounds like you love music with a name like you chose for your username. :)

(4/1/04 6:37 am)
Re: healing the past

I am so glad that you have a path that you love and a friend who is wonderful. I agree with all you said about God, worshiping whomever you please, and not allowing others to claim that your God is not the right form or a lower form. While I never had that problem in SRF, now that I am gone I get it from other Christians telling me that I should worship their God, that my God is an idol or pagan. A few weeks ago some Christians came to my door and when I said I was into the eastern philosophy, they wanted to show me in the Bible where it said something about not worshiping another God, about idols. All I knew to say was that I felt that the old testament God evolved, and then I began talking about Jesus having been in India, and how much of what he wrote Buddha wrote before him, and they left. Then I got to thinking about it, and thought how I would love to ask them about the part where God says He is a jealous God, but that another scripture says that God is Love, and then how another part of the Bible says that "Love is not jealous." I ran into another group later and mentioned it, and they just said, "Well, there are different types of jealously, the type God has is healthy," and I was with a friend who didn't want them there, so I didn't debate it. My thought was, "Healthy for who? If it is so healthy, why do we end up in hell due to His jealousy? But the Bible evolved just as man evolved.

What I am really impressed with is your statement: "I have been told that again and again by SRF members and was intimidated by it and afraid to stand up for what I believe in, but now I am not afraid. I will never expect anyone to follow the way I do but at the same time I will stand up for what is valuable to me. And I think we all can do the same". That is a big step. I have taken that same step recently. I never stood up for myself in SRF, always just listened to the monastics, never disagreed with them except in my heart. Recently, I began learning how to stand up for myself, and it feels good. Sometimes other people don't like it, but that is their problem. Either people treat me and/or my beliefs with respect or get out of my life or I theirs.

Yes, I love certain types of music. If I had enough air in my lungs, I would love to play the didgeridoo.

Edited by: didgeridootoo at: 4/1/04 7:09 am
Used Yogi
New User
(4/2/04 1:16 am)
Re: healing the past
Reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More helped me recover the most. I wrote more about that in the Convocation 2004 section.

I highly recommend reading that book if you are trying to sort out the confustion that exists when you realize that SRF is not the be all and end all, and that you've got to get out. Reading that helped me more than anything else. You can often find it in used bookstores (just the thing for a used yogi ).

But you want to know what else has helped? Finding this board and knowing how I am not alone in my experience and disillusionment.


(4/3/04 10:35 pm)
Re: healing the past
This following comment that I found on another web site may be of some consideration while we all complain that SRF members are unfriendly. While most meditation groups are friendly when you are at the temple, I find that most do not make a lot of close friends. I wonder if this is why?

"It is explained in the Sixth Chapter of Bhagavad-gita that a transcendentalist should be free from desires, live alone, control his mind, and always concentrate on the Supreme. He should remain in a secluded and sacred place".

Registered User
(4/7/04 11:07 am)
Re: healing the past

I have been enjoying this thread and gaining insight from it. Am, I find your process arriving at accepting your path, and others' paths as well, uplifting. You are in agreement with PY there! He was very clear about accepting all paths being spiritually honorable. Do you remember the anecdote in which he scorned a rock some people worshipped and had a long hot walk before he digested that lesson?

I have recently been reading 'Ancient Futures', which is about a Tibetan people even more remote than most. It gave me more insight into the tribal basis we in the modern culture have lost. I think perhaps we need that grounding in family and tribe much more than we realize and create fake ones by being fans of some team or rock star or political group.

Anyway... how that relates to this topic... If we were grounded in our clan, then some solitude to pursue the divine would be a healthy contrast, but from the Great Alienation of western culture where we do not even know our neighbors, something in us cries out for that lost tribe. The balance is different, and a lack of community in a spiritual community becomes a real, and hurtful, lack.

I love how the posters here, the varigated rebel yogis of walrusland, incite me to thinking and growing. 8) ha!

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